Hold your horses.
I ain’t in the family way…Yet.
But I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about it lately. I’ve neither seriously contemplated nor broached the subject with my husband ( save for some random, PMS-instigated SMS professions of wanting another child) because it remains at the bottom of our priorities. But, on occasion, I feel pangs of longing for another child. And I must admit, my resistance to the idea of being a mom a second time is not as palpable as it was a couple of months ago. If you asked me why I seem so enticed by the premise of another child when, not too long ago, I seemed so put off by it, I’d be hard-pressed to give just one definite answer. I mean, why DO I want another kid? More importantly, should I have another kid at this point in my life?
I suppose, I’m having such a blast with my first born that the idea of having another little runt with whom to rough house is just so tempting. Also, witnessing a human being evolve is the most magical thing in the world and getting to watch it all over again is a pretty exciting prospect. Like lifetime free passes to Disneyland!
I reckon my desire for another kid can also be chalked up to the fact that after a year, we’re finally about to move out and transfer to our new house. Living with my parents is a blessing, sure, but nothing beats having your own space and taking control of that space. And it’s not only the extra room to run around that makes it conducive to having another kid but also the freedom to make decisions that I’m constrained against doing now as deference to the owners of the house we live in: my parents. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like we’re being stifled by my parents but the dynamic is just different. And as a mother and wife, I want to be able to call the shots without worrying if I’m, in any way, overstepping boundaries.
Or maybe I just want a do-over. God has been so good to us and my child is steadily progressing, so far, but if I could, I’d do some things during and after my first pregnancy a little differently. Granted, I never did or felt anything a first time mom wouldn’t do or feel (i.e. worrying constantly , perpetually not knowing what the hell to do etc.) but I just wish I could’ve enjoyed the pregnancy and prepared a bit more for all the stuff that happens after. Case in point, my breastfeeding struggles. When I was pregnant, I was so fixated on just basically keeping my unborn baby safe that I didn’t even consider what I needed to do after I’d given birth. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that per se, but I cannot help but wonder if I would have been able to exclusively feed my child breastmilk if I learned more about the process prior to giving birth. Thank God, my child is faring well otherwise, I’d still be beating myself up about my “breastfeeding fails”. So,wanting another child, is partly due to that itch for a “perfect pregnancy” or at least my own version of it.i
Now,it’s not really a question of whether or not I truly want another child, because I do. What I need to establish is if I am in the right headspace to have another child. After all, 9 months of gestation is pretty much peanuts compared to a lifetime of regret and well…..prison visits. So, how do I ascertain if baby no. 2 is a go? I really don’t know.
This is where I say, it’s God’s call. Because it really is his call to make, not mine or my husband’s. We may decide that we’re ready but if God believes we are not, then it’s not going to happen. And we should be so thankful that God intervenes and averts potentially disastrous decisions because if we always had latitude to do things our way, can you imagine all the stupid stuff we’d regret in the end? I remember, before having my first-born, how angry and frustrated I got every time I failed to get pregnant. I’d sulk and complain about how unfair it was that I can’t get pregnant when all the other women I knew made it seem so easy. I even lashed out at God. Yes, I did. I LITERALLY screamed at the high heavens because I couldn’t get a baby in my belly.So it’s sort of funny, that when I did become a mom, I found myself asking God why he chose me to be someone’s mother when I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. God must have been exasperated with me. I thought I needed a baby right away because that’s the natural order of things. You get hitched, you get knocked up. There’s no waiting period otherwise, you’re a failure. Now, I’m constantly learning that God wasn’t punishing me by making me wait because motherhood is HARD, y’all.
Just to be clear, I love my son so much that no matter how challenging it has been to raise him properly, I wouldn’t want it any other way. But I was so fixated on my need to be a mother then that I neglected all the other great things in my life; like my husband and our freedom to go out and do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. In retrospect, I should’ve just enjoyed my pre-parenthood phase and allowed God’s plan to take their natural course. Then, maybe I wouldn’t miss that lost time so much and simultaneously feel guilty for doing so. Maybe I’d be the kind of mom my son deserves now if I had been kinder to myself then.
So yeah, I do want a do-over. If I’m going to have another child, I want it to be God’s sole decision. When it feels right, we’ll start trying and leave the rest up to Him. I refuse to treat having another baby as just another goal to tick off my list rather than the fun, exhilarating journey that it should be and miss out on anything. I ‘m going to go out on more dates with my husband. I’m going to make sure the time I spend with my son is time he will immensely enjoy. We will go on road trips and have movie nights at home. We’re sometimes going to have pizza for breakfast and breakfast for dinner. I will have “me-times” and I am going to savor them. We’re going to take countless pictures and I am going to pore over them every chance I get. We will make memories so beautiful that when my son is 40 years old with children of his own, he will look back at his childhood and his eyes will light up the same way they did when he was a little boy, and mom and dad pretended to be zombies chasing after him.
I will relish every memory we make and exalt ourselves for the smallest triumphs (like leaving for work without waking up our kid) and then when God finally says, “Yep, they’re ready.”, the new addition to our little family will be born into this world and the first thing he will see is three beaming faces, gazing at him with a world of love in their eyes, as if to say, “Hey there little one, are you ready for the ride of your life?”